late night thoughts with luna

allo 🥸

it’s late (11:13pm to be exact) but I’ve had a lot on my mind

I don’t even know how far my thoughts will take me–I haven’t done this in awhile

haven’t written any blog posts, haven’t touched the story I’m working on, haven’t even been taking notes during church

it’s nothing new, but I haven’t been reading the posts I have on here either… unless a specific poem or post comes to mind and I want to share it with somebody

then I come back to look it up and make sure it’s the one I want to share. I’m usually surprised, or touched somehow by things I’ve said in the past

I spent a lot of time in the Valley, but I wrote while I was there, and I’m thankful that I did. the 19 year-old that didn’t think she would make it to 20 is about to be 23, and I think that’s off putting for me because I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a plan for my 30s or 40s either, but not having a plan in the moment is different because at least you can wing it. but with entering this headspace of “okay, you’re gonna be here for awhile. you *want* to be here for awhile. there are adulting things you just have to do, on the regular, to get by”, I feel like life has a lot more vibrancy. I don’t like not having a plan but at least I’m starting to care about my future y’know?

a huge huge thing I have to do is not let comparison make me hate myself. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, which is great because so many of my friends have beautiful accomplishments and next steps that I’ve really enjoyed celebrating. but I’m also celebrating myself. my being here, my exercising my strengths despite everything trying to weaken me. I’m being honest with myself about how much pain I’ve been in–literally. I’m pushing myself to keep going, to stretch it out and keep it moving, to eat something because I know my body needs it, even just to write because I know it’s always worth it. (with that sentence alone I got a new perspective on something I’ve been mulling over for months)

but it’s cool. I know that 19 year-old, but when new people meet me, that’s not who they see. even the people who knew me then, who knew me before then, they see a me I may never recognize. but I will always be who I am, and I’m learning to love that

this post is very free form lol. over the years I’ve definitely learned to just let myself ramble, which is a great practice for someone who processes and actively presents herself often. is that concept something I’ll need to explain another day? probably. but it’s 11:33 now and I know if I don’t start trying to sleep now, insomnia’s gonna make it a very long night. so goodnight y’all, I don’t know if “be blessed bbys ✨” is still My Signature™️, but we’ll figure it out