I like myself better this way

it’s my birthday!

well, it’s my blog’s birthday, for 70 more minutes anyway

I realized the date was coming a few days ago, but I figured I wouldn’t have much to say, or any time to say it

I won’t say for the whole summer because I spent the beginning of it just trying to adjust to applying myself to something, but I’ve spent the last… well, I don’t have a good concept of time anymore, but I’ve been living in panera for awhile as I study for the MCAT. which I’m taking next thursday. so nothing else has really existed

no new content, no keeping up with the joneses, no being in the loop. stepping away from social media and socializing in general has given me a lot of time to think about myself. is this an activity I enjoy? no. but I’m kinda glad I had to go through it

I don’t think I expected to be the person I am today. I didn’t know what she would look like, didn’t know how she would do what she does, or what she would be doing. I didn’t know how impressive she’d be, how determined and consistent and resilient

as I sit here and think about all the words I’ve written since starting this blog, all the lives I’ve lived, I’m thankful and I’m proud. I’m proud of myself. I’m glad I decided I wanted to live, and in the words of chibi-usa, I like myself better this way. will there be things I want to change, to improve? always. but I’ve been learning to like myself, and the lessons are sticking. my past self is cheering for me, my present self likes me, and my future self is waiting for me. there’s still more out there, waiting for me. so I’m excited to to receive it

I love animal crossing

hello

this post is dedicated to my friend kenny ackermann, who had wanted to hear my post-therapy thoughts as a poem, but this will probs be pretty prose-y

also, sorry for disappearing for months, ah ha ha #alwaysmakingatleastonekindofcontent #Ionlyhavetwohands

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brilliance and resilience

I just finished Yaa Gyasi’s Transcendent Kingdom

well, I finished it, sat in silence for a few minutes, and then I sent a text saying “it made me feel a lot of feelings. it wasn’t instant, but I want to cry.”

but I didn’t cry. I got up and put on Raury’s All We Need album, Trap Tears specifically. I listened to it twice before letting the album move on, chopping okra and thinking of this post the whole time, building it in a loop, adding the new sentences in bits to help me remember what words I wanted to say, what order I wanted to say them in. the album’s still playing, but the okra’s waiting. and I’m sitting here knowing these words aren’t the same ones I had in my head, but they’ll have to do. they’re close enough. they’re enough.

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humbled beginnings

yes, humbled

I’m back to writing whenever things click, so it’s 7:25am. for someone who’d gotten used to sleeping around 4am, my body is definitely confused right now. but as I was trying to go back to sleep, something clicked. I’ll walk you through what was going on.

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20

I couldn’t come up with a witty title for this post, but the idea is that I want to share 20 things that I learned from being in the class of 2020. (update: a good title would’ve been 20* tips from a 2020 grad. but just “20” feels edgy (and also resolves the making 19 20 thing) so I’m keeping it.)

Trump got elected my freshman year, and I graduated with the cords of Covid-19 and racism heavy around my neck. It’s been a time.

Right now, people are being active. In the physical, in the spiritual. “Thoughts and prayers” won’t cut it (as a phrase), but spending time in prayer, in God’s Word, and in God’s presence is all keeping me together right now. But more on that in a minute, let me not get ahead of myself.

I’m bringing this list directly from my journal so it’s not in any specific order, and it’d probably look different on a different day, but here’s what we got:

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frozen 2 review, but make it about God

I watched Frozen 2 two nights ago, for the second time

by choice

I grew up a Disney girl and will always be a Disney girl

but because I’m also a thinker, I wrote down the quotes that resonated with me and reflected on them, blog-style, in my journal afterwards

think I love you 3,000, but Disney.

 

this post will make the most sense if you’ve watched the movie, which makes more sense if you’ve watched the first one, but I’ll try to add enough context for those of y’all who just want the key points! I kinda float back and forth between talking to me and talking to y’all, so as always, let me know if you need any clarification in the comments! anything not italicized was added after my original journal sesh. *insert Into The Unknown-related pun as a good transistion*

  Continue reading “frozen 2 review, but make it about God”

366 days

by God’s grace, I’ll have 366 more days

1 more year to try again

cuz let’s be honest, 2019 was not what I expected

I probably wasn’t expecting anything, not after my 2018

wasn’t expecting anything besides a break

hint: I didn’t get one

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