Vessel in the Valley

it’s my birthday!

well, it’s my blog’s birthday, for 70 more minutes anyway

I realized the date was coming a few days ago, but I figured I wouldn’t have much to say, or any time to say it

I won’t say for the whole summer because I spent the beginning of it just trying to adjust to applying myself to something, but I’ve spent the last… well, I don’t have a good concept of time anymore, but I’ve been living in panera for awhile as I study for the MCAT. which I’m taking next thursday. so nothing else has really existed

no new content, no keeping up with the joneses, no being in the loop. stepping away from social media and socializing in general has given me a lot of time to think about myself. is this an activity I enjoy? no. but I’m kinda glad I had to go through it

I don’t think I expected to be the person I am today. I didn’t know what she would look like, didn’t know how she would do what she does, or what she would be doing. I didn’t know how impressive she’d be, how determined and consistent and resilient

as I sit here and think about all the words I’ve written since starting this blog, all the lives I’ve lived, I’m thankful and I’m proud. I’m proud of myself. I’m glad I decided I wanted to live, and in the words of chibi-usa, I like myself better this way. will there be things I want to change, to improve? always. but I’ve been learning to like myself, and the lessons are sticking. my past self is cheering for me, my present self likes me, and my future self is waiting for me. there’s still more out there, waiting for me. so I’m excited to to receive it

allo 🥸

it’s late (11:13pm to be exact) but I’ve had a lot on my mind

I just finished Yaa Gyasi’s Transcendent Kingdom

well, I finished it, sat in silence for a few minutes, and then I sent a text saying “it made me feel a lot of feelings. it wasn’t instant, but I want to cry.”

but I didn’t cry. I got up and put on Raury’s All We Need album, Trap Tears specifically. I listened to it twice before letting the album move on, chopping okra and thinking of this post the whole time, building it in a loop, adding the new sentences in bits to help me remember what words I wanted to say, what order I wanted to say them in. the album’s still playing, but the okra’s waiting. and I’m sitting here knowing these words aren’t the same ones I had in my head, but they’ll have to do. they’re close enough. they’re enough.