I like myself better this way

it’s my birthday!

well, it’s my blog’s birthday, for 70 more minutes anyway

I realized the date was coming a few days ago, but I figured I wouldn’t have much to say, or any time to say it

I won’t say for the whole summer because I spent the beginning of it just trying to adjust to applying myself to something, but I’ve spent the last… well, I don’t have a good concept of time anymore, but I’ve been living in panera for awhile as I study for the MCAT. which I’m taking next thursday. so nothing else has really existed

no new content, no keeping up with the joneses, no being in the loop. stepping away from social media and socializing in general has given me a lot of time to think about myself. is this an activity I enjoy? no. but I’m kinda glad I had to go through it

I don’t think I expected to be the person I am today. I didn’t know what she would look like, didn’t know how she would do what she does, or what she would be doing. I didn’t know how impressive she’d be, how determined and consistent and resilient

as I sit here and think about all the words I’ve written since starting this blog, all the lives I’ve lived, I’m thankful and I’m proud. I’m proud of myself. I’m glad I decided I wanted to live, and in the words of chibi-usa, I like myself better this way. will there be things I want to change, to improve? always. but I’ve been learning to like myself, and the lessons are sticking. my past self is cheering for me, my present self likes me, and my future self is waiting for me. there’s still more out there, waiting for me. so I’m excited to to receive it

I love animal crossing

hello

this post is dedicated to my friend kenny ackermann, who had wanted to hear my post-therapy thoughts as a poem, but this will probs be pretty prose-y

also, sorry for disappearing for months, ah ha ha #alwaysmakingatleastonekindofcontent #Ionlyhavetwohands

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brilliance and resilience

I just finished Yaa Gyasi’s Transcendent Kingdom

well, I finished it, sat in silence for a few minutes, and then I sent a text saying “it made me feel a lot of feelings. it wasn’t instant, but I want to cry.”

but I didn’t cry. I got up and put on Raury’s All We Need album, Trap Tears specifically. I listened to it twice before letting the album move on, chopping okra and thinking of this post the whole time, building it in a loop, adding the new sentences in bits to help me remember what words I wanted to say, what order I wanted to say them in. the album’s still playing, but the okra’s waiting. and I’m sitting here knowing these words aren’t the same ones I had in my head, but they’ll have to do. they’re close enough. they’re enough.

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creatively destructive

some destroy, I create

I got angsty so I tweezed my eyebrows, made eyeliner out of eyeshadow, and tried a new lip look

the eyeliner especially, I had to wreck the plates to get enough color

sometimes creation takes destruction

the destruction I feel pushes me to create

rather than continue

and sometimes in the creating

I get to destroy

but in a safe way

a necessary way

a benevolent way

that’s different from the destruction driving me

I must prefer my way, I turn to it so often

8.2.2020

what do I want?

the past, the past

don’t I want to look forward?

move on?

what’s there for me?

I’ve already lived that life

I went after my hopes, and now I’m here

going back won’t change that

time has passed

things have changed

what do I want now?

who am I?

new goals, new rules, new hopes + dreams

take note, but leave the rest behind

rest

recognize

you are not your past, and you’re not stuck there either

I want love

I don’t know where it’ll come from, and that’s okay

doesn’t matter where I’ve searched before

what matters is what I want

love

connection, intimacy, safety

I know this

I know I want a house, full of decorations, and full of yes,

love

I don’t know where it’ll be, the exact layout, the blueprint

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

a career

I don’t know what it is that I’ll be doing everyday, what my job will want from me, what my hobbies will want from me

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, I don’t think

a heart is meant to have desires

and I know I’ll end up somewhere

but it won’t be by chance

I won’t get there without putting in the work

can I control the outcome? no, never

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

7.24.2020

humbled beginnings

yes, humbled

I’m back to writing whenever things click, so it’s 7:25am. for someone who’d gotten used to sleeping around 4am, my body is definitely confused right now. but as I was trying to go back to sleep, something clicked. I’ll walk you through what was going on.

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what are you attracted to?

personally, I like “to do” lists

check boxes and color codes and deadlines, all of that grabs my attention

but alas, just making the the list won’t do

neither will ripping it up

you have to put in the work

Continue reading “what are you attracted to?”