wait til the end for the title

I like knowing you’re here

somewhere in the twists and turns beneath the high ceilings between the dividers, there’s you

doing what I do

enjoying the beauty of absence

but you’re still here, and I like that

I like knowing that I don’t have to know anything

knowing I can figure it out as I go along, like a mainstream song, the melody will catch on fast and the imprint will last and I’ll hum it as I walk through the prints and the charcoal sketches and the paint covered canvases, how full this absence is

 

1.25.17, a date with God

I want to be

I want to be like me when I grow up

 

The me the people know of

The me the people show love

 

I want to be the me I created

back when I was just a kid and 

nothing I did could compare to 

what I would do because 

 

when I was a kid

I wanted to be an astronaut

I wanted to fly through the stars

be the first girl on Mars

an astronaut

 

but now

I just want to be me

I just want to be happy

I just want to be free

 

2.9.17

366 days

by God’s grace, I’ll have 366 more days

1 more year to try again

 

cuz let’s be honest, 2019 was not what I expected

I probably wasn’t expecting anything, not after my 2018

wasn’t expecting anything besides a break

hint: I didn’t get one

 

or maybe I didn’t give it to myself

 

with all the journals and therapy appointments and prayer sessions, it’s become very clear that I can be so hard on myself

won’t let myself have nice things

won’t let myself mess up

but seeing as that’s not working, I want to spend the next 366 just trying

practicing

learning

this time I want to give myself the break

this time I want to rest

 

because there’s so much I want to do! so much I CAN do!

I’ve seen just a taste of what I’m capable of and I’ve seen myself run from it because I couldn’t see the practical over the potential

 

or maybe I didn’t want to

 

maybe it was easier to run to the next best thing, to flex my Better Than Mediocrity and accomplish something that felt worthy of praise, of acceptance

but after the first few successes, maybe even just the first one, you realize you have to keep trying

practicing

learning

and that’s where I run

“can’t mess up what you’re not doing in the first place”

 

(that was my headspace for a lot of this year, just being honest. transparent. vulnerable. ew.)

 

but anyway, potential is very enticing

if nothing else, I’ve learned that there’s nothing I can’t do. that’s not a humble flex, it’s not even a flex. it’s just reality. there’s nothing I can’t do.

 

but can I do this by myself? no

 

it’s all through Christ, apparently

 

it’s become apparent, see, I’ve had to reconcile how little of this is up to me

it’s a light yoke that I was given, and the strength I needed to hold it was given to me too

 

sooo why?

that’s my question, why?

 

like the Prodigal Son, I want to come back home and give my Father a piece of my mind like Jacob did, until He changes my mind, convinces me I have a new name

a new identity

there’s still come convincing to be done, I’m just tired of pretending I’ve made it

I may not get the answer to my why, not one I understand, but I’m taking the peace that surpasses that

I don’t do New Years Resolutions, I do Right Now Resolutions, and I guess right now I’m saying that I want my peace

 

I’m tired of putting it to the side until I’ve proven that I’ve improved enough

Jacob was running from His mistakes

the Prodigal Son had nothing left to mess up

yet they were both received with open arms

was it the same kind of embrace? no

but they knew Who held them

they knew they could rest

they’d found peace

 

even if I have to go through another Valley, even if I have to wrestle through the night, I need to know I can rest, peacefully

no matter where I am, my Shepherd is with me

all 366 days He gives me, He’ll be with me

He was in every fire, every flood

He saw every tear

doubt can say what it will, but this I still know

because I’m still here

still holding on to the hope I have left, the hope that’s never left

 

 

references:

Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

Philippians 4:9 AMPC

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].

Philippians 4:13

For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Matthew 11:30

‘So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.’

Luke 15:11-32

Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.

Genesis 32

‘And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ‘

Philippians 4:7

‘Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ‘

Psalms 23:4

‘The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. ‘

Psalms 23:1-3

‘I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. I have other sheep, which are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will hear My voice; and they will become one flock with one shepherd. ‘

John 10:14-16

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.

Isaiah 43:2

‘You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? ‘

Psalms 56:8

My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him.

Psalms 62:5

be blessed bbys ✨

6:48 am

I arose so the Sun could greet me

and it decided to do so quietly

6:30

snooze

6:35

socks

 

it was a bit cold

  a bit wet

maybe I should’ve been more mindful of the rain because it’s washed my greeting away

now everything is blue

the water is blue

the sky is blue

the snakes I imagined running into were green

   not my most redeeming moment

 

and at this point, I was cold

    I was wet

    I had worn my white rubber birks but

    what can those do to protect your fuzzy socks?

of all the things I packed, I think I brought the most socks

having warm feet is very important

 

and now I sit in the library in the warm and the quiet, and I realize that the Son came to greet me anyway

I’m not worried about the snakes

       not worried about my socks

       not worried about physics

 

I’m excited for my day, all I could do with my new friends

making new friends, I’m not as good as I thought

but I am trying

maybe they’ll want to take care of me

maybe I’ll let them

 

the sky is still blue

I could go back to bed

but let me see if my roommate is awake

I’ll try greeting her quietly

 

9.14.19, during a much needed retreat

freedom

on to the next

the next page

the next stage

it’s like having your hair in braids for months,

it’s constrained but protected, and you can feel the new growth coming in

those lil baby curls

you play with them when you’re stressed, 

daydreaming about how big your fro will be when you can finally free yourself from those chains

braids

sometimes you need help to get through them all, sometimes you have to cut them short before you start

sometimes, sometimes, everything’s so conditional

but freedom is delicious

a process, but delightful

the braids come out, but there’s still the gunk that built up at the roots

the chains come off, but there’s still the dents that dug in at your wrists

you need clarity

look at reality

look at it, really

the gunk

the dents

this is where you were before you were free

(completely unrelated, but I am so happy)

(I never write happy poems)

don’t let it scare you

you’re free now

so clarify, wash the gunk out of your roots

massage your wrists, smooth the dents out

then play with your curls

yes, use your hands

your freedom

you’re at the next stage

on the next page

on to the next

4.1.19

Continue reading “freedom”