some destroy, I create
I got angsty so I tweezed my eyebrows, made eyeliner out of eyeshadow, and tried a new lip look
the eyeliner especially, I had to wreck the plates to get enough color
sometimes creation takes destruction
the destruction I feel pushes me to create
rather than continue
and sometimes in the creating
I get to destroy
but in a safe way
a necessary way
a benevolent way
that’s different from the destruction driving me
I must prefer my way, I turn to it so often
8.2.2020
–
the past, the past
don’t I want to look forward?
move on?
what’s there for me?
I’ve already lived that life
I went after my hopes, and now I’m here
going back won’t change that
time has passed
things have changed
what do I want now?
who am I?
new goals, new rules, new hopes + dreams
take note, but leave the rest behind
rest
recognize
you are not your past, and you’re not stuck there either
–
I want love
I don’t know where it’ll come from, and that’s okay
doesn’t matter where I’ve searched before
what matters is what I want
love
connection, intimacy, safety
I know this
I know I want a house, full of decorations, and full of yes,
love
I don’t know where it’ll be, the exact layout, the blueprint
doesn’t matter
what matters is what I want
a career
I don’t know what it is that I’ll be doing everyday, what my job will want from me, what my hobbies will want from me
doesn’t matter
what matters is what I want
–
there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, I don’t think
a heart is meant to have desires
and I know I’ll end up somewhere
but it won’t be by chance
I won’t get there without putting in the work
can I control the outcome? no, never
doesn’t matter
what matters is what I want
7.24.2020
yes, humbled
I’m back to writing whenever things click, so it’s 7:25am. for someone who’d gotten used to sleeping around 4am, my body is definitely confused right now. but as I was trying to go back to sleep, something clicked. I’ll walk you through what was going on.
Continue reading “humbled beginnings”personally, I like “to do” lists
check boxes and color codes and deadlines, all of that grabs my attention
but alas, just making the the list won’t do
neither will ripping it up
you have to put in the work
Continue reading “what are you attracted to?”I know I’ve been posting on Sundays, but this week, we make an exception
because today is my birthday (seriously thanking God for another year of life)
plus, I have a surprise for y’all
Continue reading “xxii”of dreams?
were you what,
scared?
I want to
flip the script.
now mine, it’s
different.
conquered, I fear.
forever lost
never remembered.
time? no, have I
left
that behind?
see, you’ll
acknowledge Death
follows what
lives.
live to want.
dreams of
what you were
scared
to want, I
script the flip.
it’s mine now.
different.
fear? conquered.
lost forever.
remembered never.
I have no time
left.
behind that
you’ll see
Death. acknowledge
what follows.
lives.
want to live.
nobody likes a process, but here we are, processing.
recent events in the world may have life feeling like a trial, specifically, a trial by fire. I’ve been pretty checked out of social media recently, because a lot of the content I saw was draining and made me feel kinda hopeless. I’d think to myself, what’re we supposed to do in the face of all these systemic injustices? how’re we supposed to carry on?
y’all know I like to learn new things, so my digital hiatus has been put to pretty good use. recently, I’ve been focused on understanding the refining process. if you’re unfamiliar with it, here’s a summary:
now run that all back.
you’re the metal, and God’s the blacksmith. but who wants to go through fire?
Continue reading “consumed or refined?”I couldn’t come up with a witty title for this post, but the idea is that I want to share 20 things that I learned from being in the class of 2020. (update: a good title would’ve been 20* tips from a 2020 grad. but just “20” feels edgy (and also resolves the making 19 20 thing) so I’m keeping it.)
Trump got elected my freshman year, and I graduated with the cords of Covid-19 and racism heavy around my neck. It’s been a time.
Right now, people are being active. In the physical, in the spiritual. “Thoughts and prayers” won’t cut it (as a phrase), but spending time in prayer, in God’s Word, and in God’s presence is all keeping me together right now. But more on that in a minute, let me not get ahead of myself.
I’m bringing this list directly from my journal so it’s not in any specific order, and it’d probably look different on a different day, but here’s what we got:
Continue reading “20”I feel like Swae Lee showing up 40 minutes to Zoom Slope Day (my bad y’all)
this quarantine thing has been interesting
one minute I’m packing up my dorm and saying bye to friends, then I’m home for things like Mother’s Day for the first time in 3 years, and then I’m graduating??? I’ll probably get my degree before y’all hear from me again, wild
anyway, I haven’t been writing as much but I have been doing stuff! I’m hoping to have a nice lil portfolio put together soon, but I have to finish my thesis first. yes. expect a story time on that eventually, probably via YouTube, since that’s the most recent addition to my Renaissance Woman Resume:
IN MY DEFENSE, I was not planning for this to go on YouTube. you hear me make a lot of references Instagram because I truly thought I’d be sharing this testimony through IGTV, just for it to be way too long lol. I ended up posting it on my Vessel in the Valley YouTube page, which already existed because of an old performance I’d posted. that performance is now /gone/ because it took me over a year to realize the video was cut short :-))) go through your own content y’all–that’s a story for another day. I’ll put up a full version eventually!
but yee, I talk about this poem and pretty much all of college in this video, and since posting it I’ve had a lot of ideas to finish up the series and just make more content in general. but first, THESIS! (good) changes are definitely underway and I’m excited to see what this all looks like in the end, but that’s the most recent life update I have for y’all ✨
ight lemme get to it
I told myself if I have time to watch anime (I gave it up for Lent #notcatholicjustdevelopingdiscipline) then I have time to write this blog post, but then I still wasn’t writing this blog post because social media is a TRAP
I’m also fasting from Twitter and may not go back fully, stay tuneddd
anyway, I need to focus. this post is currently untitled because I don’t know where it’ll end, but it started on my Instagram Story yesterday morning. here’s what I had to say:
“I just had a thought but my laptop is taking too long to boot so we’re taking it back to the Bible Study via Snapchat days, summer ’17
so apparently I hate the phrase labor of love
