“12:26 AM | 2.25.19
What came from this weekend?
The first thing I think about is my 3 AM conversation with Nahisha after getting to know my family (her, Jada, Kaitlyn, + Sam), after freestyling for the first time, after hearing she saw the connection I was aware of
-> not necessarily felt
but even with that connection, it doesn’t have to be romantic
I’m not restricted to only having sisters in Christ, and I know personally that I’m going to need to see these connections the right way if I’m going to have any
because now I have many
and they can’t all be my husband
I also saw for myself how easy it is to love others, to be compassionate. to pray with Ali, with Nicole, with my family. to understand the dark space Paul is in. to give Taylor a real hug. to dance on chairs, waving a tambourine high. I saw myself, participating, experiencing, engaging. loving. living. expressing my curiosity, my appreciation, my excitement.
I heard, again and again, how important my voice is. I heard it in the thanks people gave when my simplest thoughts, my sweetest songs, touched their hearts. I heard it in the encouragement I received again and again to speak up, to be
ad an advocate for the voiceless, to be a leader. I heard it in the way words flowed from my lips. they’re not stuck – I don’t need a script to free them. I heard it in the things already spoken, the reminders I didn’t know I’d left for myself. and I heard it in the fact that I can hear – my ears aren’t clogged anymore, I’m not trapped in a cocoon of molasses where nothing goes in, nothing goes out. I can hear those around me, and they can hear me. I can hear God, and He can hear me.
I realized just a little bit more how privileged I am. these spaces didn’t always exist. Christian Union wasn’t always a thing. even now, there are places where people can’t gather for God’s glory because they fear for their lives – all I fear for is my reputation. but what matters most is that I have these opportunities. because I’m His vessel, people can see God through me, before me, and around me. this isn’t something to take lightly.
and something I don’t want to admit yet, don’t want to remember. You’re doing things on Your timing. You’re bringing change on Your timing. You’re using me, changing me, remolding me, on Your timing. I can’t micro-manage this life, can’t rely on the safety of a plan. I need to have peace in pursuing the purpose You have for me. in seeking Your face. nothing can catch You
offgau offguard, because it all came from You”