creatively destructive

some destroy, I create

I got angsty so I tweezed my eyebrows, made eyeliner out of eyeshadow, and tried a new lip look

the eyeliner especially, I had to wreck the plates to get enough color

sometimes creation takes destruction

the destruction I feel pushes me to create

rather than continue

and sometimes in the creating

I get to destroy

but in a safe way

a necessary way

a benevolent way

that’s different from the destruction driving me

I must prefer my way, I turn to it so often

8.2.2020

what do I want?

the past, the past

don’t I want to look forward?

move on?

what’s there for me?

I’ve already lived that life

I went after my hopes, and now I’m here

going back won’t change that

time has passed

things have changed

what do I want now?

who am I?

new goals, new rules, new hopes + dreams

take note, but leave the rest behind

rest

recognize

you are not your past, and you’re not stuck there either

I want love

I don’t know where it’ll come from, and that’s okay

doesn’t matter where I’ve searched before

what matters is what I want

love

connection, intimacy, safety

I know this

I know I want a house, full of decorations, and full of yes,

love

I don’t know where it’ll be, the exact layout, the blueprint

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

a career

I don’t know what it is that I’ll be doing everyday, what my job will want from me, what my hobbies will want from me

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, I don’t think

a heart is meant to have desires

and I know I’ll end up somewhere

but it won’t be by chance

I won’t get there without putting in the work

can I control the outcome? no, never

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

7.24.2020

what are you attracted to?

personally, I like “to do” lists

check boxes and color codes and deadlines, all of that grabs my attention

but alas, just making the the list won’t do

neither will ripping it up

you have to put in the work

Continue reading “what are you attracted to?”