what are you attracted to?

personally, I like “to do” lists

check boxes and color codes and deadlines, all of that grabs my attention

but alas, just making the the list won’t do

neither will ripping it up

you have to put in the work

Continue reading “what are you attracted to?”

5.28.2020

of dreams?

were you what,

scared?

I want to 

flip the script.

now mine, it’s

different.

conquered, I fear.

forever lost

never remembered.

time? no, have I

left

that behind?

see, you’ll

acknowledge Death

follows what

lives.

live to want.

dreams of

what you were

scared

to want, I

script the flip.

it’s mine now.

different.

fear? conquered.

lost forever.

remembered never.

I have no time

left. 

behind that

you’ll see

Death. acknowledge

what follows.

lives.

want to live.

consumed or refined?

nobody likes a process, but here we are, processing.

recent events in the world may have life feeling like a trial, specifically, a trial by fire. I’ve been pretty checked out of social media recently, because a lot of the content I saw was draining and made me feel kinda hopeless. I’d think to myself, what’re we supposed to do in the face of all these systemic injustices? how’re we supposed to carry on?

y’all know I like to learn new things, so my digital hiatus has been put to pretty good use. recently, I’ve been focused on understanding the refining process. if you’re unfamiliar with it, here’s a summary:

  • there are lots of things you can do with metal. refining is the only process that gives you the same metal you started with in a purer state. others (smelting, calcining) chemically change the metal. yes, I did my research.
    • there are different types of refining that I could make analogies for, but this would turn into a very long post. we’re focused on trials–I mean–refining, by fire.
    • scientifically, oxygen or air is added to an impure liquid metal as a way to remove impurities. when does the blacksmith know the metal’s pure? he can see his reflection in it.

now run that all back.

you’re the metal, and God’s the blacksmith. but who wants to go through fire?

Continue reading “consumed or refined?”

20

I couldn’t come up with a witty title for this post, but the idea is that I want to share 20 things that I learned from being in the class of 2020. (update: a good title would’ve been 20* tips from a 2020 grad. but just “20” feels edgy (and also resolves the making 19 20 thing) so I’m keeping it.)

Trump got elected my freshman year, and I graduated with the cords of Covid-19 and racism heavy around my neck. It’s been a time.

Right now, people are being active. In the physical, in the spiritual. “Thoughts and prayers” won’t cut it (as a phrase), but spending time in prayer, in God’s Word, and in God’s presence is all keeping me together right now. But more on that in a minute, let me not get ahead of myself.

I’m bringing this list directly from my journal so it’s not in any specific order, and it’d probably look different on a different day, but here’s what we got:

Continue reading “20”

love is love, pt.1/?

ight lemme get to it

I told myself if I have time to watch anime (I gave it up for Lent #notcatholicjustdevelopingdiscipline) then I have time to write this blog post, but then I still wasn’t writing this blog post because social media is a TRAP

I’m also fasting from Twitter and may not go back fully, stay tuneddd

anyway, I need to focus. this post is currently untitled because I don’t know where it’ll end, but it started on my Instagram Story yesterday morning. here’s what I had to say:

“I just had a thought but my laptop is taking too long to boot so we’re taking it back to the Bible Study via Snapchat days, summer ’17

so apparently I hate the phrase labor of love Continue reading “love is love, pt.1/?”

frozen 2 review, but make it about God

I watched Frozen 2 two nights ago, for the second time

by choice

I grew up a Disney girl and will always be a Disney girl

but because I’m also a thinker, I wrote down the quotes that resonated with me and reflected on them, blog-style, in my journal afterwards

think I love you 3,000, but Disney.

 

this post will make the most sense if you’ve watched the movie, which makes more sense if you’ve watched the first one, but I’ll try to add enough context for those of y’all who just want the key points! I kinda float back and forth between talking to me and talking to y’all, so as always, let me know if you need any clarification in the comments! anything not italicized was added after my original journal sesh. *insert Into The Unknown-related pun as a good transistion*

  Continue reading “frozen 2 review, but make it about God”

revisions

i fear what i want

i dream big so i fear what i want and i fear what i need to get what i want because i don’t know what i need and i told myself to never settle but i keep ending up among stars when i should be on Mars, and they blind me, bind me

i fear what i want because i know i can have it it’s so close i could grab it but i hate asking for help i hate feeling helpless, and you’re present but your presence always helps less than you mean it to, and i couldn’t blame you

you don’t fear what i want

you could hold my Mars in the palm of your hand

to you, my Mars will always be a grain of sand

 

5.3.17

 

i fear what i want

i dream big so i fear what i want and i fear what i need to get what i want because i know what i need and i told myself to never settle but i keep ending up among stars when i should be on Mars, and they blind me, bind me

i fear what i want because i know i can have it it’s so close i could grab it but i hate asking for help i hate feeling helpless, but You’re present and Your presence makes me feel blessed like you mean it to, for that i thank You

You don’t fear what i want

You hold my Mars in the palm of Your hand

to You, my Mars will always be a grain of sand

 

7.25.17

 

I thought I could rewrite this, but I don’t fear as much anymore

I know what I want and I know I can have it, sometimes I spend a bit too long in the locker roo m ut I still go for it

I can see the stars before I get to Mars and yet I take them all in, enjoying the view, as I should

I know I’ll end up somewhere

I know what I want and I know I can have it, it’s so close I could grab it, I hate asking for help and I hate feeling helpless, but I do it anyway, because You’re present and Your presence makes me feel blessed like you mean it to, for that I thank You

You don’t fear what I want

You hold my Mars in the palm of Your hand

to You, my Mars will always be a grain of sand

and the palm of Your hand will always be a safe place to land

 

2.7.2020

366 days

by God’s grace, I’ll have 366 more days

1 more year to try again

 

cuz let’s be honest, 2019 was not what I expected

I probably wasn’t expecting anything, not after my 2018

wasn’t expecting anything besides a break

hint: I didn’t get one

 

or maybe I didn’t give it to myself

 

with all the journals and therapy appointments and prayer sessions, it’s become very clear that I can be so hard on myself

won’t let myself have nice things

won’t let myself mess up

but seeing as that’s not working, I want to spend the next 366 just trying

practicing

learning

this time I want to give myself the break

this time I want to rest

 

because there’s so much I want to do! so much I CAN do!

I’ve seen just a taste of what I’m capable of and I’ve seen myself run from it because I couldn’t see the practical over the potential

 

or maybe I didn’t want to

 

maybe it was easier to run to the next best thing, to flex my Better Than Mediocrity and accomplish something that felt worthy of praise, of acceptance

but after the first few successes, maybe even just the first one, you realize you have to keep trying

practicing

learning

and that’s where I run

“can’t mess up what you’re not doing in the first place”

 

(that was my headspace for a lot of this year, just being honest. transparent. vulnerable. ew.)

 

but anyway, potential is very enticing

if nothing else, I’ve learned that there’s nothing I can’t do. that’s not a humble flex, it’s not even a flex. it’s just reality. there’s nothing I can’t do.

 

but can I do this by myself? no

 

it’s all through Christ, apparently

 

it’s become apparent, see, I’ve had to reconcile how little of this is up to me

it’s a light yoke that I was given, and the strength I needed to hold it was given to me too

 

sooo why?

that’s my question, why?

 

like the Prodigal Son, I want to come back home and give my Father a piece of my mind like Jacob did, until He changes my mind, convinces me I have a new name

a new identity

there’s still come convincing to be done, I’m just tired of pretending I’ve made it

I may not get the answer to my why, not one I understand, but I’m taking the peace that surpasses that

I don’t do New Years Resolutions, I do Right Now Resolutions, and I guess right now I’m saying that I want my peace

 

I’m tired of putting it to the side until I’ve proven that I’ve improved enough

Jacob was running from His mistakes

the Prodigal Son had nothing left to mess up

yet they were both received with open arms

was it the same kind of embrace? no

but they knew Who held them

they knew they could rest

they’d found peace

 

even if I have to go through another Valley, even if I have to wrestle through the night, I need to know I can rest, peacefully

no matter where I am, my Shepherd is with me

all 366 days He gives me, He’ll be with me

He was in every fire, every flood

He saw every tear

doubt can say what it will, but this I still know

because I’m still here

still holding on to the hope I have left, the hope that’s never left

 

 

references:

Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

Philippians 4:9 AMPC

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].

Philippians 4:13

For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Matthew 11:30

‘So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.’

Luke 15:11-32

Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.

Genesis 32

‘And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ‘

Philippians 4:7

‘Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ‘

Psalms 23:4

‘The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. ‘

Psalms 23:1-3

‘I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. I have other sheep, which are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will hear My voice; and they will become one flock with one shepherd. ‘

John 10:14-16

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.

Isaiah 43:2

‘You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? ‘

Psalms 56:8

My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him.

Psalms 62:5

be blessed bbys ✨