by God’s grace, I’ll have 366 more days
1 more year to try again
cuz let’s be honest, 2019 was not what I expected
I probably wasn’t expecting anything, not after my 2018
wasn’t expecting anything besides a break
hint: I didn’t get one
or maybe I didn’t give it to myself
with all the journals and therapy appointments and prayer sessions, it’s become very clear that I can be so hard on myself
won’t let myself have nice things
won’t let myself mess up
but seeing as that’s not working, I want to spend the next 366 just trying
practicing
learning
this time I want to give myself the break
this time I want to rest
because there’s so much I want to do! so much I CAN do!
I’ve seen just a taste of what I’m capable of and I’ve seen myself run from it because I couldn’t see the practical over the potential
or maybe I didn’t want to
maybe it was easier to run to the next best thing, to flex my Better Than Mediocrity and accomplish something that felt worthy of praise, of acceptance
but after the first few successes, maybe even just the first one, you realize you have to keep trying
practicing
learning
and that’s where I run
“can’t mess up what you’re not doing in the first place”
(that was my headspace for a lot of this year, just being honest. transparent. vulnerable. ew.)
but anyway, potential is very enticing
if nothing else, I’ve learned that there’s nothing I can’t do. that’s not a humble flex, it’s not even a flex. it’s just reality. there’s nothing I can’t do.
but can I do this by myself? no
it’s all through Christ, apparently
it’s become apparent, see, I’ve had to reconcile how little of this is up to me
it’s a light yoke that I was given, and the strength I needed to hold it was given to me too
sooo why?
that’s my question, why?
like the Prodigal Son, I want to come back home and give my Father a piece of my mind like Jacob did, until He changes my mind, convinces me I have a new name
a new identity
there’s still come convincing to be done, I’m just tired of pretending I’ve made it
I may not get the answer to my why, not one I understand, but I’m taking the peace that surpasses that
I don’t do New Years Resolutions, I do Right Now Resolutions, and I guess right now I’m saying that I want my peace
I’m tired of putting it to the side until I’ve proven that I’ve improved enough
Jacob was running from His mistakes
the Prodigal Son had nothing left to mess up
yet they were both received with open arms
was it the same kind of embrace? no
but they knew Who held them
they knew they could rest
they’d found peace
even if I have to go through another Valley, even if I have to wrestle through the night, I need to know I can rest, peacefully
no matter where I am, my Shepherd is with me
all 366 days He gives me, He’ll be with me
He was in every fire, every flood
He saw every tear
doubt can say what it will, but this I still know
because I’m still here
still holding on to the hope I have left, the hope that’s never left
references:
Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.
I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
‘So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.’
Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.
‘And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ‘
‘Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ‘
‘The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. ‘
‘I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. I have other sheep, which are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will hear My voice; and they will become one flock with one shepherd. ‘
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you.
‘You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? ‘
My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him.
be blessed bbys ✨
