20 more minutes

11:40pm, 6.28.19

20 more minutes of 20

I don’t know if this will be a poem, or an inspirational post, or a heart-wrenching rant, but I just want to sit and write a bit

my phone keeps buzzing, but I’ll leave it alone for once

 

I’d been wondering if I was going to write a birthday post this year, I’m definitely feeling better than I was this time last year, but my words felt backed up, hidden beneath all my thoughts

 

and then I saw Hamilton

 

my mom and aunt are a dynamic duo when it comes to catering to my love for Broadway (I’ve seen The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Aladdin, Wicked, The Lion King, School of Rock, The Book of Mormon, and now, Hamilton). The Lion King and Hamilton were complete surprises, well, when we got on the train to go to the city I figured we were either going to a really fancy dinner or going to watch a Broadway show. maybe Hamilton, but probably Anastasia

we decided to walk to our destination since the weather was nice, and I remember turning the corner and seeing the signs for Hamilton down the block. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too soon, maybe Anastasia was further down, but we got to the lines of people wrapping around both sides of the building, and my mom stops

and I look at her

and she smiles

 

she starts asking the workers where to go to pick up tickets, I think I was still holding my breath at this point but I remember the ticket guy saying “enjoy, Golden Girl!” (the tickets were under my name, so I think he asked what it meant (wura = gold), was still in a daze so who knows), and then we walked in

 

I cried on average once every 5 minutes

 

I know the whole show, at least 70% of the lines are ingrained into my memory. act 1 has more of my favs, I know who dies when, and I’d already come up with an idea for Satisfied choreo by the third time I’d listened to it. I know Hamilton. I love Hamilton. but seeing Hamilton was better than I could’ve imagined

 

I didn’t know how to feel at first, for years I’ve been listening to the same produced recordings so to see it live with a whole new cast is gonna be a different experience. but the words were the same, the songs were the same, it was still Hamilton, but more. I had faces for the voices, more passion to go with the pain of what was being acted. I hear voices crack, saw body language and interactions that Apple Music could never convey. I saw myself

 

Hamilton was a writer. over and over they ask (sing), “why do you write like you’re running out of time?” I don’t know. I really don’t know. I write for me, and sometimes I share it with you guys, or on stage, but when the words come, they come. I can’t sing those lines without wondering why

and I can’t sing about how quiet it is uptown without crying

 

I’ve listened to these scenes over and over, I know what goes down between Philip and George Eacker, I know the toll it takes on Eliza and Alexander’s marriage. but to see him reach out for her hand, and for her to take it while the ensemble softly harmonizes, singing the words “forgiveness, can you imagine”, my heart broke

 

if Eliza is me, Hamilton is God

 

and it’s midnight now, so I’m 21

and my family is here to pray for me

 

to be continued, be blesseds bbys ✨

 

‘Everyone will sit under their own vine and under their own fig tree, and no one will make them afraid, for the Lord Almighty has spoken. ‘

Micah 4:4