3.19.18

i got 19 in my pocket

19 points on my orgo prelim

19 points on my organic chemistry preliminary exam that i stuffed in my pocket as soon as i got it because i told myself i’d just think about it later, told myself i’d probably read it upside down or backwards or something, i’d just think about it later

i got 19 in my pocket

19 dollars

19 dollars from the 20 that i broke because food is the best way to deal with heartbreak, to heal heartbreak, and that kripsy kreme donut was looking enticing and revitalizing so i gave a dollar to theta apple pie to help fundraise their trip to uganda but now i’m scouring the ground to look for some change or maybe even another dollar because i needed that 20 to be whole

i’m scouring the ground as i walk to student agencies because i have a ticket to buy, i need a ticket to go home and i had exact change but now i don’t so i’m scouring and i’m stressing and i’m missing the sunset that would make me feel whole

i got 19 in my pocket

19 years

19 years that i’ve been on this earth, or is it 20? you know that year when you’re not really here, “my baby’s 7 months and 3.5 days old”, okay great but what does that mean? i can’t do mental math anymore, 1 + 1 always equals window but that’s all i have left

besides these 19 years in my pocket

19 years, yet i feel infinite

i feel never ending

i feel so immense and so full of depth that i cannot be contained, i cannot be constrained, i feel too free

i feel like my 19 years are full, i feel like i won’t find what i need to make 19 20

19 years means i can’t tweak my favorite love song anymore, “you are 19 going on 20” doesn’t match the melody that i wanted to sing to, that i wanted sung to me

i got 19 in my pocket

19 questions

19 thoughts that end in “i don’t know”

19 answers i don’t have

19 maps i can’t follow

19 feels so incomplete

there was so much i wanted to do at 19, by 19

was it even worth getting this far? how many sunsets did i stop to see?

it feels like i felt my 19 scouring and stressing and missing too much to make 19 20

3.19.18

4.28.18

out of every ten poems I write, there are two, max three, that I like

and I’ve been writing for a long time

 

I’m too nostalgic to delete Wattpad, so I have a poem from 2013 titled “Do Not Erase”

it starts off, “do not efface your face with eyeliner and mascara, foundation and blush”

I haven’t watched enough YouTube videos to know what shade of blush goes with my skin tone, but this NYX mascara I took from my mom is AMAZING

 

and then there’s another poem from 2016, it’s a sonnet actually

I wrote it for my English class

it goes,

“to love, or not to love – that is the question

whether ’tis better better to fall in love or to fall apart, this i do not know

for they are one and the same”

 

it’s actually a really good piece, so i’m glad I still have it

cuz there are years of prose and tears that I’ll never get back

 

out of the seven poems I don’t like, there are four I just can’t read

because they hurt

that’s why I started writing, because I’d hurt

I’d get hurt and I wouldn’t know what to do or who to talk to, so I’d sit in my room and I’d write

you should’ve seen me in 2011, ranting to my nonexistent confidant about all the things that couldn’t possibly be happening

but they were

and I only know this because I still have that Hello Kitty notebook

I’m too nostalgic, so I haven’t burned it

 

I always knew not to play with matches, but it was a warm form of catharsis to watch tearstained papers turn into ash

I’d flush away the evidence and tell myself that it was finished, but deep down I knew that wasn’t right

I don’t use periods when I write

the waves of words wax and wane where they will, but there’s no shore to contain them

they need to squeeze through cracks and soar over waterfalls, so now, when the tears fall, I let them

when the words come, I write them

 

still, most of my poems seem to end with a silent “to be continued”

there are three that I like, four that hurt, and two that I haven’t finished

I just can’t

these pages are a testament to the fact that sometimes, I struggle to see what I see

sometimes I can’t make sense of it

 

some days I’ll sit and I’ll write til I hit blocks I can’t build with

it’s like having a puzzle you can’t finish because you decided to burn half of the pieces

I can’t even blame her, the old me

she’s a part of my poetry

 

out of those ten poems, the estimated ratio to quantify what I’ve produced, the one that remains is who I am

who I was

and who I will be

in every piece, there is me

every time I create, I’m mimicking the Creator, trying to make sense of the creation that I am

trying to find His satisfaction, trying to find appreciation

no matter how many pieces I write, songs I sing, prelims I pass (or fail)

no matter what I do, none of that matters if I can’t find the peace in who I AM says I am

4.28.18

a quartet, and a question

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​ Last night, I performed my poetry for the first time. I’ve actually been writing for over five years, but my first true poem was about Cheerios (I’m easily inspired; don’t judge). Still, if you would’ve told me that I’d end up on stage, not singing with my a cappella group, not receiving an award, but reciting my poetry? I would’ve laughed in your face. For at least five years, that’s exactly what I did. I’d push back at every nudge towards a platform, nervous and nauseous at the thought of feeling so exposed. But growth is a never-ending journey, and last night, a new bud bloomed on the tree of my life.

Continue reading “a quartet, and a question”

1.22.17 – road trip

I can see the layers of the clouds

covering the sun

 

like me, surrounded by a shroud

like me, burning proud

 

I can see the trunks of the trees

covered by none

 

like me, bare and open

like me, strong and certain

 

I can see the rivers running past

covering rocks below

 

like me, fast and steady

like me, dark and heavy

 

and I can see the mountains

covered by none

 

like me, unmatched by all

like me, standing tall

 

1.22.17

5.3.17

this is how i think when things get too loud

think of trains of thought as long sentences, run-on sentences

there’s no track to follow so they run as they please, sometimes they collide, that’s an epiphany

but when things get too loud, it’s like clouds start to roll in

they build a wall between me and my trains, they keep them somewhere in my brain i can never reach

they’re storm clouds, big and gray but i watch anyway, i love cloud watching

i love silence

they bring silence

but as i lay on my blanket in the grass with my white noise playing softly through my stereo and i enjoy my silence, my trains keep running without me

sometimes the clouds will break and a word or two will poke through, but it’s never enough for me to follow and i instantly feel swallowed up by the emptiness

by the silence

and then it rains

all my anger and pain and hopes and dreams and cries and screams and tears come crashing down like rain, and it surrounds me

drowns me

whisks me away

and i wait forty days and forty nights for the rain to stop, time is relative when You’re God, but it’s only in the rain that i hear His voice

i have no choice

He’s my silence when things get too loud

 

5.3.17

3.4.17

there is so much more for me to prove because you assume that I have nothing to lose

you assume that I have nothing to use to get me where you’ve been but you don’t see the pulley I use to pull up the ones who are pushing me towards greatness

and the best part is, you don’t know what to expect

if I drop a book full of bars, you’ll still respect me

if I’m the first girl on Mars, you’ll still respect me

you will respect me

you may reject me til you need me but I have my people to protect me people who will feed me and fill me with love because they know I am more than enough

I know I am more than enough

He made me to be more than enough

so much more

 

3.4.17

my testimony

how intricate am I
woven like a basket
over, under
how, I wonder

can you see through me?

I wish I could see the beauty in myself
but I’m full of holes

so holey, so holy
Holy Lord, help me

I pray today
but what about yesterday?


how much can I hold?

take my arms, Lord
hold me, remold me
make my purpose clear

I can’t pour what You haven’t given me
I can’t collect what isn’t meant for me

save me before I break
into pieces
into peace

12.13.16

Continue reading “my testimony”