3.19.18

i got 19 in my pocket

19 points on my orgo prelim

19 points on my organic chemistry preliminary exam that i stuffed in my pocket as soon as i got it because i told myself i’d just think about it later, told myself i’d probably read it upside down or backwards or something, i’d just think about it later

i got 19 in my pocket

19 dollars

19 dollars from the 20 that i broke because food is the best way to deal with heartbreak, to heal heartbreak, and that kripsy kreme donut was looking enticing and revitalizing so i gave a dollar to theta apple pie to help fundraise their trip to uganda but now i’m scouring the ground to look for some change or maybe even another dollar because i needed that 20 to be whole

i’m scouring the ground as i walk to student agencies because i have a ticket to buy, i need a ticket to go home and i had exact change but now i don’t so i’m scouring and i’m stressing and i’m missing the sunset that would make me feel whole

i got 19 in my pocket

19 years

19 years that i’ve been on this earth, or is it 20? you know that year when you’re not really here, “my baby’s 7 months and 3.5 days old”, okay great but what does that mean? i can’t do mental math anymore, 1 + 1 always equals window but that’s all i have left

besides these 19 years in my pocket

19 years, yet i feel infinite

i feel never ending

i feel so immense and so full of depth that i cannot be contained, i cannot be constrained, i feel too free

i feel like my 19 years are full, i feel like i won’t find what i need to make 19 20

19 years means i can’t tweak my favorite love song anymore, “you are 19 going on 20” doesn’t match the melody that i wanted to sing to, that i wanted sung to me

i got 19 in my pocket

19 questions

19 thoughts that end in “i don’t know”

19 answers i don’t have

19 maps i can’t follow

19 feels so incomplete

there was so much i wanted to do at 19, by 19

was it even worth getting this far? how many sunsets did i stop to see?

it feels like i felt my 19 scouring and stressing and missing too much to make 19 20

3.19.18

4.28.18

out of every ten poems I write, there are two, max three, that I like

and I’ve been writing for a long time

 

I’m too nostalgic to delete Wattpad, so I have a poem from 2013 titled “Do Not Erase”

it starts off, “do not efface your face with eyeliner and mascara, foundation and blush”

I haven’t watched enough YouTube videos to know what shade of blush goes with my skin tone, but this NYX mascara I took from my mom is AMAZING

 

and then there’s another poem from 2016, it’s a sonnet actually

I wrote it for my English class

it goes,

“to love, or not to love – that is the question

whether ’tis better better to fall in love or to fall apart, this i do not know

for they are one and the same”

 

it’s actually a really good piece, so i’m glad I still have it

cuz there are years of prose and tears that I’ll never get back

 

out of the seven poems I don’t like, there are four I just can’t read

because they hurt

that’s why I started writing, because I’d hurt

I’d get hurt and I wouldn’t know what to do or who to talk to, so I’d sit in my room and I’d write

you should’ve seen me in 2011, ranting to my nonexistent confidant about all the things that couldn’t possibly be happening

but they were

and I only know this because I still have that Hello Kitty notebook

I’m too nostalgic, so I haven’t burned it

 

I always knew not to play with matches, but it was a warm form of catharsis to watch tearstained papers turn into ash

I’d flush away the evidence and tell myself that it was finished, but deep down I knew that wasn’t right

I don’t use periods when I write

the waves of words wax and wane where they will, but there’s no shore to contain them

they need to squeeze through cracks and soar over waterfalls, so now, when the tears fall, I let them

when the words come, I write them

 

still, most of my poems seem to end with a silent “to be continued”

there are three that I like, four that hurt, and two that I haven’t finished

I just can’t

these pages are a testament to the fact that sometimes, I struggle to see what I see

sometimes I can’t make sense of it

 

some days I’ll sit and I’ll write til I hit blocks I can’t build with

it’s like having a puzzle you can’t finish because you decided to burn half of the pieces

I can’t even blame her, the old me

she’s a part of my poetry

 

out of those ten poems, the estimated ratio to quantify what I’ve produced, the one that remains is who I am

who I was

and who I will be

in every piece, there is me

every time I create, I’m mimicking the Creator, trying to make sense of the creation that I am

trying to find His satisfaction, trying to find appreciation

no matter how many pieces I write, songs I sing, prelims I pass (or fail)

no matter what I do, none of that matters if I can’t find the peace in who I AM says I am

4.28.18