4.21.19

I haven’t fully realized what it means to be me

to do what I do

when I speak, they listen

when I go, they follow

because when I go

I lead

I haven’t fully realized what it means to be me

with what I’ve been through

I read about it sometimes, in these journals of mine

I never would’ve thought I’d be here

I haven’t really realized what it means to be me

to be here

that means I kept trying

I kept writing

I kept speaking, going

I didn’t pay too much attention to the becoming, so now I’m not really sure what it means to be me

and I want to be

I want to be

I want to be happy with me, proud of me, patient with me, nice to me, funny to me, beautiful to me

enough to me

4.21.19

2.11.18 – Somebody knew

I feel like… I don’t know who

but I feel like somebody new

 

I’ve been told that my voice sounds like the moon

 

I don’t know what the moon sounds like

 

so now, I study it at night

I wanna find myself in it

 

I’ve been told that my life looks like the Son

 

now I know what the Son looks like, but I still study Him at night

so I can find myself in Him

 

I’ve been told that I am fearfully and wonderfully made

full of fear, yet full of wonder

 

I’m not talkin bout that, “mommy, I’m scared, can you read me a bedtime story?”

I’m talkin bout, “mommy, when you held me in your belly, I was being built piece by piece to be somebody new by Somebody Who knew me before you did, Somebody Who knew my story and my song, Somebody Who knew everything I could do and everyone I could be, Who knew me”

 

do you know who I am?

 

I am full of fear

fear to be up on this stage, to be here at this stage in my life where I feel like I need to have all the answers

it’s like I’ve learned how to juggle this that and the third, but the word I was missing was balance, because every amazing feat I complete is easily defeated if I’m not steady on my feet

If I’m not ready

 

I am full of wonder

do you know what wonder is?

I wonder if you wonder about the fact that you’re alive

I wonder if you look just to look, just to realize that you can see and you know your reds from your blues and your socks from your shoes and you just know

or maybe you can hear that half step between dissonance and harmonies, maybe you can draw stick figures with symmetrical arms cuz see, I can’t do that

and I wonder what it’s like

I wonder if you can rub your head and pat your belly

isn’t that silly?

when I go out and I study the moon and I look and I wonder, I wonder how someone could say it’s just a projection in the sky

isn’t that silly?

and then when I step in and I study the Son and I look and I wonder, I wonder how someone could say that this is a reflection of I

isn’t that silly?

 

do you know who I am?

 

I don’t recognize myself sometimes, but I like who I’m becoming

and I feel like Somebody knew that I would

2.11.18