Whose am I?

Who do I think I am, running a blog? After changing my major? While taking three STEM classes at once, AND joining a research lab? Who do I think I am, saying I’ve beaten depression and anxiety while tragedy after tragedy try to throw them back in my face? Who do I think I am, saying I’ve grown, saying I’ve been renewed?

Who am I?

Questions like these are just the tip of the introspection iceberg, and like a broken record,  my mind has been playing them over and over these last few months. When I look back at my writing, I can see that it often boils down to the who/what/when/where/why/how I am the way that I am, and I’ve come to realize that the answers lie in another question:

Whose am I?

Continue reading “Whose am I?”

5.3.17

this is how i think when things get too loud

think of trains of thought as long sentences, run-on sentences

there’s no track to follow so they run as they please, sometimes they collide, that’s an epiphany

but when things get too loud, it’s like clouds start to roll in

they build a wall between me and my trains, they keep them somewhere in my brain i can never reach

they’re storm clouds, big and gray but i watch anyway, i love cloud watching

i love silence

they bring silence

but as i lay on my blanket in the grass with my white noise playing softly through my stereo and i enjoy my silence, my trains keep running without me

sometimes the clouds will break and a word or two will poke through, but it’s never enough for me to follow and i instantly feel swallowed up by the emptiness

by the silence

and then it rains

all my anger and pain and hopes and dreams and cries and screams and tears come crashing down like rain, and it surrounds me

drowns me

whisks me away

and i wait forty days and forty nights for the rain to stop, time is relative when You’re God, but it’s only in the rain that i hear His voice

i have no choice

He’s my silence when things get too loud

 

5.3.17