what do I want?

–

the past, the past

don’t I want to look forward?

move on?

what’s there for me?

I’ve already lived that life

I went after my hopes, and now I’m here

going back won’t change that

time has passed

things have changed

what do I want now?

who am I?

new goals, new rules, new hopes + dreams

take note, but leave the rest behind

rest

recognize

you are not your past, and you’re not stuck there either

–

I want love

I don’t know where it’ll come from, and that’s okay

doesn’t matter where I’ve searched before

what matters is what I want

love

connection, intimacy, safety

I know this

I know I want a house, full of decorations, and full of yes,

love

I don’t know where it’ll be, the exact layout, the blueprint

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

a career

I don’t know what it is that I’ll be doing everyday, what my job will want from me, what my hobbies will want from me

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

–

there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, I don’t think

a heart is meant to have desires

and I know I’ll end up somewhere

but it won’t be by chance

I won’t get there without putting in the work

can I control the outcome? no, never

doesn’t matter

what matters is what I want

7.24.2020