“this piece is inspired by a conversation that I had with my dear friend Mordecai
I’m probably picking and choosing and paraphrasing for poetic purposes, but he said that I make more sense when I’m on stage than I do in my day to day life
in my defense, I was very tired, so most of my mind was on the nap I was gonna take the next day
but what he said got me thinking
and I already think a lot
I seem really calm and collected right now because I sat down at 1:54 am monday morning (which should count as sunday night, in my opinion), and dumped a bunch of my thoughts on paper where I could see them
me being on stage is just me re-thinking out loud, which is why it used to be so scary
around this time last year, I was up here for the first time, re-thinking my thoughts
one of the pieces I performed was about what I do when my thoughts get too loud, which is poet for “what I do when I have a panic attack”
and now I’m back, feeling calm and collected because I have my thoughts written out
but I don’t really know what this piece is about
well, I do, I’m just trying to put the puzzle together as I go
lots of pieces that have to come together to make one big masterpiece
you could call me a painter, of sorts
I can paint really well, in my head
I can dance too… you definitely wouldn’t call me Baby Groot
and I’m not awkward in my head, at all
which is why I guess Mordecai was pretty right when he essentially said that I make more sense on paper
that piece I did last year, when I said my thoughts get too loud?
that “trains of thought are like sentences, run-on sentences that collide” and whatever else, I can’t remember
my memory’s really bad because my thoughts are actuallyyyyyyy too fast
and then they’re also really abstract
like if you look at that painting up on the wall, with all the dots and loops and stuff
it’s like focusing on the whole collection and simultaneously trying to describe the kettle to your grandma
isn’t that meta?
so anyway, what I re-learned from Mordecai is that I need to be present
I have another piece where I say, “you are the present
you are present, in this moment
a gift I call, a letter to myself”
and that piece is great for when I need enough peace to pick up the pieces of myself post-panic, but at 2:11 am monday morning (sunday night?), I figured, why not share it?
I gave myself that gift back in April, and April was rough
so I figured, why not use another one of your gifts to rewrap your piece as peace for those who need it?
it’s November now, and it still gets rough
I cried three times last week
in front of people
I’m so much more awkward (is awkwarder a word? being awkward usually isn’t a contest. back to peace)
but yeah, three times
that may be a lot, may be a little
maybe you haven’t cried since you were little
since you realized that the tears couldn’t wash away the pain
maybe you cried this morning, because you found an old picture of you and your bestfriend and all the happy memories ran up and hugged you and you felt so safe that you cried in their arms
I promise this piece isn’t supposed to make you cry, but sometimes, that’s what peace does
it’s 2:18 am on a monday morning (sunday night) and I feel so peaceful that I could cry
because April was rough
and this time last year, that was tough, being up here
if only I knew what I was getting myself into
but I didn’t, I never do
all I know is that I have igbagbo mi, my faith, my Foundation
I found peace just standing there, even as my thoughts rushed by
even when they were too loud
and thanks to that peace, I was able to piece together this piece to present to you as a gift
because I don’t know if you’re in April, or you’re little, or it’s this time last year and you’re sobbing in the arms of your memories, but I just wanted to voice my perspective and say that I see you
even though my thoughts get loud, I hear you
I see myself in you, I hear my thoughts coming out of your mouth more eloquently than I could ever put them
all of this is just my way of giving you a gift and telling you to be present
this time, I’m not writing a letter to myself
p(ie/ea)ce be with you”
written 10.29.18
performed 11.3.18
Vessel in the Valley 