3.19.18

i got 19 in my pocket

19 points on my orgo prelim

19 points on my organic chemistry preliminary exam that i stuffed in my pocket as soon as i got it because i told myself i’d just think about it later, told myself i’d probably read it upside down or backwards or something, i’d just think about it later

i got 19 in my pocket

19 dollars

19 dollars from the 20 that i broke because food is the best way to deal with heartbreak, to heal heartbreak, and that kripsy kreme donut was looking enticing and revitalizing so i gave a dollar to theta apple pie to help fundraise their trip to uganda but now i’m scouring the ground to look for some change or maybe even another dollar because i needed that 20 to be whole

i’m scouring the ground as i walk to student agencies because i have a ticket to buy, i need a ticket to go home and i had exact change but now i don’t so i’m scouring and i’m stressing and i’m missing the sunset that would make me feel whole

i got 19 in my pocket

19 years

19 years that i’ve been on this earth, or is it 20? you know that year when you’re not really here, “my baby’s 7 months and 3.5 days old”, okay great but what does that mean? i can’t do mental math anymore, 1 + 1 always equals window but that’s all i have left

besides these 19 years in my pocket

19 years, yet i feel infinite

i feel never ending

i feel so immense and so full of depth that i cannot be contained, i cannot be constrained, i feel too free

i feel like my 19 years are full, i feel like i won’t find what i need to make 19 20

19 years means i can’t tweak my favorite love song anymore, “you are 19 going on 20” doesn’t match the melody that i wanted to sing to, that i wanted sung to me

i got 19 in my pocket

19 questions

19 thoughts that end in “i don’t know”

19 answers i don’t have

19 maps i can’t follow

19 feels so incomplete

there was so much i wanted to do at 19, by 19

was it even worth getting this far? how many sunsets did i stop to see?

it feels like i felt my 19 scouring and stressing and missing too much to make 19 20

3.19.18